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Sunday, 17 May 2009

  • Can we start over somehow? Where is the love?

    I've come to the realization I have absolutely no idea what love is.  I've been in relationships consumed with complete respect, adoration, understanding and infatuation but they all seem the same.  I find it impossible to have fallen in love as many times as I've uttered.  1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. now 6 times.


    #2 I'm positive was out of foolishness and the need to not let anyone down.  I was never in love with him.


    #s 3 & 5.. well I know it was something special, but I'm not quite sure it was what I thought it was.  I would do anything for them, yes.  Thoughts of them constantly filled my head.  I saw a great future, with hints at forever thrown into the mix, with them.  But in hindsight, I may have been fooled by their words.  Never, in all 6 instances was I the first to let the words slip.  And in these particular two, I may have said it back because they convinced me I was indeed in love with them.  They, and my own heart, tricked my mind into thinking they were it, this was love, and that was that.  But now I look back and realize that's not really what it was at all, I had been blinded; from all angles.


    As for 1 & and 4, I can't really say what set them apart but there was something.  1 I dated for nearly 2 years, I truly believe I was in "love" with him.  I was torn to pieces when it ended, I knew he was my future, my forever.. but we were so young and we were growing apart.  We essentially grew out of "love".  4, well 4 is a whole 'nother story.  It may have been more of a platonic love than anything, mixed with passion, and quite possibly mistaken for a great love.  However, we were eachothers worlds, and its hard for me to deny that we were ever in "love".


    Now 6, my current relationship, I'd like to say 6 is something different.  But I've said that about them all, they've all been different.  I know it's too soon to say it, but he did, and so did I.  I want to say there's just something special about this one, but I've said it too many times before, and I can't exactly pinpoint what it is.  I want to believe I'm in love with him, I want to think that this time may be that time, but what makes it unalike from any other time.  Who's to say I'm not being blinded yet again, that his love for me has convinced not only my heart but my mind that I, infact, am in love with him too.  I'm not going to stop saying it, nor will I destroy this relationship through agonizing if this is the right thing.  It makes me feel good to hear he loves me and it makes me feel good to want, and be able, to say it back.  They say you just know when it's love, but I thought I knew almost every other time.  Is there supposed to be one time where I go, "ahhh so THIS is it, THIS is what all the others were lacking"?  Or will I continue to fall in "love" until finally I can overcome my commitment issues and REALLY make one last forever.  I won't say I've never meant it when I said it, I have, but I mean it now (..again).  The fact that I can't distinguish this relationship from any other in a shred of comprehensive form is killing me, because I want to be able to do that.  Never has someone embraced me fully for who I am, made me feel they meant it when they told me I was beautiful, been able to make me feel 100% comfortable with them.  But there's nothing jumping out of my heart saying "THIS ONE! THIS ONE! THIS ONE'S REALLY IT! HERE'S WHAT'S DIFFERENT!"

    But maybe that's just it, maybe that blindhearted naivity in every other relationship was keeping it from developing into a real love.  Maybe this comfort and worry-free feeling is what's making the difference.  Maybe this time I'll get to see what being in love really means, what a mature and growing relationship is supposed to be.  Maybe the ability and need to even question this is what will change things.
    Or maybe I'm all wrong and that's exactly why it's the same as every other.


    I don't know. I may never know. And I'll have to deal with that.


Wednesday, 15 April 2009

  • Let's Go

    Well where do you turn
    When there's nothing to look forward to
    An noone's ot your back

    I look to my left and the air is dead
    I look to my right and my passenger seat
    is empty, like my heart and my head

    It seems there's nothing left for me
    but despair and misery
    I won't let this sorrow drown me
    One foot in front of the other
    And I'm on my way
    A new adventure everyday

    Maybe I'll go to Sydney or Holland
    Limerick or Cali
    Or maybe back home to Boston

    I look to my left and the air is dead
    I look to my right and my passenger seat
    is empty, like my heart and my head

    It seems there's nothing left for me
    but despair and misery
    I won't let this sorrow drown me
    One foot in front of the other
    And I'm on my way
    A new adventure everyday

    I don't need you to fly with me
    Or hold my hand when I cross the street
    I got this one, I'm living independently
    I couldn't even make my own phone calls before
    But I've thrown my helplessness on the floor
    I'll step on it, jump on it, crush it and smash it
    I don't need you or anyone else
    I have enough experience under my belt
    My heart is hurting but I'll let go
    So, let's go

    I look to my left and the air is dead
    I look to my right and my passenger seat
    is empty, like my heart and my head

    I'm up I'm gone I'm moving on
    My heart is hurting but I'll let go
    So, let's go

Sunday, 11 January 2009

  • Friendship is like Street Signs


    we were always stealing odd things like that; street signs, glow in the dark "slow" kids, lawn ornaments. if it was there- we took it. this one was literally just lying in the middle of the street. a yellow diamond, cautioning drivers of the upcoming sharp turn. calling our names, begging to be taken in. cars had driven over it and it was broken in half. the mission began.

    we waited til like 11pm, parked nearby, and waited til the coast was clear. i stayed behind the wheel, ready to speed away if necessary. she got out of the car, ran to the sign, picked up both halves and threw them in my trunk. she climbed back in the car and i drove away. mission accomplished. this time it was so convenient, we both got to take a half home, so there was no awkward "so uhh, what do we do with it now" kind of moment.

    i feel like it perfectly described us in our entirety. our friendship, our bond, all of it. both pieces were so similar, halves of each other, but yet they we different enough that they could still be told apart without too much thought. when necessary, they were able to be worked together and fit perfectly to make a functioning sign. it was like our best friend token. instead of cute half heart necklaces or matching bracelets, we had an old, beat up, stolen street sign. it wasnt about the pretty appearance, the shine and complimenting colors to make it look nice when it was put together. it went through wear and tear, but still was able to work so greatly when brought together, it was real.

    we always got each other, we understood without words. it was like we had the same mind, the same heart, the same logic. we were able to tune into each other so perfectly, youd think we were twins. we werent related in any way at all actually, i only met her my freshman year of high school. we are our own people, however. our personalities are different enough to make us individuals, definitely. but our mind and hearts are similar enough to put us on the exact same wavelength. just recently on one of our usual cruises, we learned that we had been basing our friendship on the exact same 30 seconds. the two of us had a wicked intense but quite short conversation four years ago, as new friends, and in that very moment we both knew there was something great about our friendship, something epicly unusual. but neither of us knew that it was in that exact moment we had both decided that, until only a few weeks ago. crazy, huh?

    i dont know why or how or what, but this friendship was made for something incredible. its not everyday you find something so fitting, so... epic. i couldnt be more greatful for a friendship like this. so laid back and easy. no effort goes into our friendship, yet it works so perfectly.

Tuesday, 06 January 2009

  • melancholy strikes again.

    i think its happening again, and things are worse than ever.

    im trying to run away from everything thats making me happy. i dont want to be at school, i dont want to be at home and im so paranoid about this long distance relationship i just may be making it worse on myself.
    i couldnt even tell you what im doing at this point. i just may be at my lowest of lows.
    i want to do something with my life yet, i dont want to do anything about it.

    id drop out if my parents allowed it. kate might think we're joking, but i would totally join the army.
    or just go somewhere, do something, be somebody. but blah blah blah, i need school and i know it. i just wish i didnt hate it so gahddamn much. its tortuous. the work, the criticism, the pointless classes. teach me things i want to know. wheres my movies. wheres my productions. i went for tv, and instead i get to almost fail history. is that not what high school was for? history, english, math, science, etc? college is supposed to be for YOU. for what you really need for the rest of your life. fuck homework and papers on napoleon. i hate it. every piece of it. i wish we could live without school, but the awful truth is that we cant.
    i cant even decide if i'm happy at school. people are constantly asking me and all i can give them is, "eh yah, its alright." i dont hate it, but i dont love it. and if i were to transfer, who's to say i wouldnt hate that school more? heck, i could end up transferring to 7 different schools in 4 years and i may never find one im happy at.
    and then i think, maybe its the distance? but its not like i want to be home. fuck, thats why i left, home is the last place i want to be. there is NO WAY im ever moving back home, i can barely take a month here anymore.
    i just wish i knew what would really make me happy.
    being closer to my boyfriend maybe? maybe. ive got myself so worried about it all. and it happens everytime, 3 or 4 months into it and im thinking "well, can it REALLY be FOREVER?" honestly, how will i ever know it'll be forever. i'\ve thought it before and i could very well think it again. what makes this time different? there's so many broken relationships around me, how can i believe anything will be forever? can people be happy with one person for that long? can happily ever after really exist? i love him, with all my heart, i really do, but what if it all comes to a crashing end? i think i may just give up on love.
    the scariest part is that i'm really hoping with all of me that this is it. that he's my future. i want it so bad to be true, and im so scared it wont be. i just wish i knew. i wish i knew that this isn't all going to fuck me over.

    i wish i knew life wasnt going to fuck me over and that i wont end up some miserable old hag.
    all ive ever wanted was happiness and i dont think i can keep it. i feel as if im destined for misery.
    im a misery magnet. happiness comes and BAM, anguish strikes. its like i wont let myself be happy, as if my mind just wont have it. i dont understand it.


Monday, 08 December 2008

  • and if i forget, or God forbid die too soon, hope that you'll hear me, know that i wrote to you

    4 days and counting...

    four days.
    its impossible to sleep under this condition. with a million thoughts running through my head. a multitude of what ifs.
    what if he finds somebody else? what if he realizes he doesnt need me? what if he forgets about me? what if he decides im not worth putting up with a long distant relationship? what if all of this was just a beautiful build up to an absolutely tragic end?
    the fact that the next time ill see him is TBA is absolutely terrifying. i cant stand to be away from him for mere hours, how will i handle days? weeks? months?! i cant fathom months, i just cant.
    never in my life have i had something feel so right. ive been in love, yes. i thought i had found the one i would marry, yes. but never have i ever had something feel so perfect.
    i just wish i knew whats going to happen. i just wish somehow, i could know if things are going to turn out the way i hope, or if ill be left in a car crash of devastation.

    do you want to know how i know this time is different?
    because if you strip away all the things a relationship is based on - sex, passion, cute dates, romantic stories - he's still my best friend. i can picture myself sitting on a couch with him, looking like shit, cracking jokes, just hanging out.. and we would still be consumed by love.
    i honestly cant explain it. ive felt love before, but never like this. never has it taken hostage of me in such a way. i would give him my life if he asked me to.
    i pray, i hope, i plead with all my heart that we make it through this. and i honestly think we can. i think that we both want this, and eachother, bad enough that we can fight through this. but its gonna suck, its gonna suck hard.
    i just hope neither of us give up. i hope we fight long enough to keep our promises.

    only time will tell, and i sure hope time treats me well.

IdLikeToThink_HalfFull

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    • Name: RhymesWithOrange
    • Birthday: 12/24/1989
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 12/16/2007

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About Me

  • sup. i like sunflowers & coffee. reading drawing and writing make me happy. Jesus is my main squeeze, and so is pot. nice to meet ya.

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